Not the Adam Devlin blog 12



Right then, Jimmy Savile … yeah yeah I know, comedy cul-de-sac. If the last fortnight’s news coverage, social media and panel shows have taught us anything , it’s that it’s very easy to do a Jimmy Savile joke, but very hard to make it funny, y’know … what with all the child abuse and everything. No doubt Frankie Boyle is sharpening his pencil somewhere to test that theory but be careful what you say about Frankie, he’s just been awarded 55 grand in damages from the Mirror Newspaper Group for branding him a “racist”. Frankie will appear again next week to fight more serious allegations from another red-top that he is “funny”.

But back to Sir Jimmy Savile or merely ‘Savile’ as he will forevermore be known, this due to our time honored tabloid tradition which dictates that when a certain amount of notoriety is attained the first thing to go is your Christian name (like Huntley, Hindley or Lee Collins).
Savile’s fall from grace has been truly astonishing and as far as i can recall, totally unprecedented. A month ago this was a sacred national treasure and a knight of the realm. Now he’s evil incarnate, the most prolific pedophile in living memory who’s most disturbing trick was that he hid from us in full view.
We’ve all witnessed careers hitting the skids before, we’ve all laughed along at the scandals and despair of privileged others but Savile’s descent from hero to sub-zero is in a whole new stratosphere.
Earlier this month we gasped as Austria’s second most famous madman Felix Baumgartner leapt from the edge of space and fell back to Earth at an average speed of 815mph, yet even he when asked to describe his fall couldn’t resist the opportunity to reference Savile saying: “I thought I knew a thing or two about plummeting but this Savile guy? wow … look at him go”.

Meanwhile Stateside (not to be outdone), the Yanks are dealing with their own fallen idol in the sinewy form of cycling drugs cheat Lance Armstrong, his sins are inconsequential in comparison but there are nonetheless some striking similarities in the dynamics of his and Savile’s downfall. It’s particularly uncomfortable for us when people we’d perceived as being a force for good, people who’d worked tirelessly for charities raising money and transforming lives ultimately turn out to be wicked charlatans. We’re fine with Gary Glitter and Jonathan King doing porridge, they were clearly a bit creepy and what did they really contribute to our lives besides some fairly average pop records anyway? Exactly. But Jimmy? …

I mean Savile … visited my school, and like a sizable chunk of my generation I wrote to him, that’s what we did in the ’70s, we wore tank-tops and wrote inane letters to Jimmy Savile. Last week The Sun ran the headline: “WALLIAMS’ LUCKY ESCAPE”, on further inspection the story was merely that comedienne David Walliams had once written to Savile. Using The Sun’s barometer of peril I had a lucky escape too because that’s all I did, for the record I asked to meet Kevin Keegan, but owing to a lack of imagination on my part and more likely a lack of inclination on Keegan’s it never happened, which is equally fortunate for him because if Savile had laid a finger on me I’d be pursuing Keegan through the courts right now. Thankfully for me, my letter was not “only the start of it” and I hope the same is true of you … and you and you and you-oo-oo.

Where all this takes us I’m not entirely sure … enquiry will follow enquiry while Britain’s finest institutions will continue their pissing contests and blame games with little mention of the victims, that Sky, the Da**y M**l et al are using a child abuse scandal as a stick to beat the BBC and the NHS with is as tawdry and tasteless as any of Savile’s outfits.

COMING UP NEXT TIME: Pippa Middleton on Syria.




instead picture if you will, Savile arriving at the pearly gates on judgement day to meet his maker …

Angel: Your holiness, this is Sir Jimmy Saville …
St. Peter: Don’t call me that, I’m not The Pope, just call me Pete.
Angel: Sorry, er … Pete, this is Sir Jimmy Savile OBE, MBE …
St. Peter: Well that’s good enough for me, we’ve got a lot to get through here, Sir Jimmy, welcome to Heaven, you’ll find fresh towels on your …
Angel: Actually with respect Pete, you’d better hear the rest of this.
St. Peter: Well ok but get on with it, I’ve got Lance Armstrong next and I don’t wanna keep him waiting …
Angel: Ok I’ll paraphrase, Sir Jimmy was an entertainer that spent his life working tirelessly for under privellidged vulnerable children …
St. Peter: Great, just give him his welcome pack and let’s …
Angel: Please … I haven’t finished, to recap … working tirelessly with under privalaged vulnerable children, many of whom he molested.
St. Peter: Oh.
Angel: Yes … oh.
St. Peter: Sorry Jim, rules is rules … oh well, send in Armstrong, I love this guy, his book’s amazing y’know, an absolute tour d’ …
Angel: Actually Pete, there’s probably some stuff you should know about him too.
St. Peter: Oh for f**k’s sake.


Not the Adam Devlin blog part 11

Blog No.11


First unfortunately I must issue an apology, actually before my apology let’s deal with Ashley Cole’s apology, Britain’s favourite footy player has had to issue an “unreserved” apology for calling the FA “twats” on his twitter thingy. He called them “twats” because he felt they questioned his character … Cole had been appearing as a character witness for teammate John Terry (Jesus, what are your chances when your character witness is Ashley Cole?!?). while we’re here let’s deal with JT’s apology, well it was a sort of apology issued with the caveat that he didn’t actually do anything and if he did he didn’t mean it. JT has been fighting to clear his name of being a racist, indeed he hung up his burning cross and retired from international racism days earlier to add weight to his defence (which is leakier than Norwich City’s).

Ok my apology … actually to keep it topical lets do KP’s apology first, KP (AKA Kevin Pietersen) is England’s least English but conveniently most talented cricketer, his apology was “full and frank” (though not “unreserved”) for disrespecting his teammates on Facebook or summink. KP is now being “reintegrated into the team structure”
Clearly there is a theme developing, i.e. allowing sportsmen access to social media is like giving machine guns to toddlers.
Another apology to get out of the way is that of Conservative government whip Andrew Mitchell who was prevented from riding his bicycle through Downing Street’s main gates by pedantic police officers (At last, a scandal involving a gate so we can finally get to say “gate-gate” … good news for Bill Gates, who’s currently bumming Gareth Gates). The Met officers in question went on to prove in a court of law that they weren’t “plebs” on the grounds that they knew what the word “plebs” meant.

Ok if everybody’s done apologising now it’s my turn, oh no hang on a sec … What about Hillsborogh? I hear you ask … Ok let’s briefly do Hillsborogh if that’s possible, a veritable orgy of contrition headed up by PM Cameron who apologised “deeply and sincerely”, Boris Johnson, Nick Clegg, John Inverdale, they were queuing up around the block to withdraw there previous assertions that all scousers are thieving murderous pond life.
The notable absentee was kelvin MacKenzie, he’s the revolting man whose revolting red-top printed that revolting pack of lies about the Hillsborough tragedy, which he defended vehemently right up to the point at which an exhaustive public enquiry scientifically proved his revolting pack of lies was exactly that. At which point (brace yourselves) …. MacKenzie demanded an apology of his own (see what he’s done? … clevaaah) He wants an apology from all the people (THE POLICE) that lied to him (THE POLICE) and literally forced him at gunpoint (THE POLICE) to print a mutually agreed upon tissue of whoppers. Poor Kelvin, the 97th victim of Hillsborogh, who knew? In an absurd way I almost admire him …. actually scratch that. Had a rethink. He’s a c*nt.

Right, my apology … can’t even remember what it was now so apologies for that at least, I do remember it was full and frank and unreserved and all those other words Tiger Woods had copyrighted in his vernacular of remorseful adjectives. Seriously, if you want to see the gold-standard for apologies check out all 15 minutes of Woods’ sorry fest on YouTube, it’s got production values Downton would die for, mood music, live audience, his family in floods of tears, his corporate sponsors gritting their teeth, lighting, make-up, hot dogs, fireworks, the lot … all this so Tiger could tell the children of America that f**king every waitress in Florida is nothing to be proud of.
Surprising then that Woods performed so poorly in the foursomes at last weekend’s Ryder Cup.

To conclude just type the word ‘apology’ into YouTube and scroll through the pages upon pages. Cameron apologising to pretty much everyone, Clegg to students, Grant to Hurley, Chris Brown, Christian Bale, Kramer, Gazza, Google, Enron, ministers, judges, Jonnathon Ross & Russell Brand apologising to some Spanish waiter, Paul Weller apologising for his latest haircut, George Lucas for the last 30 years of his career, it goes on.
The highlight is undoubtedly Charlie Sheen’s efforts to redeem himself, he genuinely has no idea what he’s supposed to be sorry for and frankly neither have I. His apology to Ashton Kutcher begins with the line: “Dear Ashton, I’m sorry I said you sucked, I was disrespectful to a man trying his best” genius! Here’s a man who makes it clear that whilst regretting what he’s said, he stands by every word of it.
Some people defend these cry babies, claiming its good to ‘fess up” and repent one’s sins, but they’re just apologists, apologists to the apologists, if I align myself with them what does that make me? an apologist for the apologists to the apologists. Sorry but no thanks.



… seems to be the hardest word, says a man who’s clearly never been to Llanfairpwllgywngyll


Here’s a proper sorry bunch …


Here’s Nick Clegg, I think this is his apology for doing a U-turn on his ‘no more U-turns’ policy …


Here’s the king, Tiger Woods. Among the long list of parties apologized to were: his wife, his mother, Nike, the children of the world, EA sports, Noel Edmonds, Jesus and Slovenia.


and finally this man … “I live in a big house filled with hookers, cocaine and money, yeah I’m really fuckin’ sorry”.