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Welcome to my new book club, where I’ll be delving into the world of looking at the world of looking at books, and boy there’s a lot of books out there to look at, all sorts of books, books about stuff but mainly books about autobiographies, so I’ve looked at those (in a broad sense). I can’t pretend to have read them but that’s not important in my book club. No snobbery here.
Now then, Socrates once claimed that “the unexamined life is not worth living”, not sure when he came up with that nugget but it would definitely have been in the period Boyd Hilton would refer to as ‘pre-Peter Andre’. Andre, the least enigmatic man since the dawn of time has had his life examined so thoroughly that ITV2 are now hiring cameramen with a background in proctology so that they can really, literally, physically get inside Andre, let’s face it, they’ve pretty much covered everything else, ‘What’s Inside Peter Andre?’ (Spoiler Alert: it’s chips and tears) airs in January with a book to follow. (ed: check this fact). No doubt Andre would claim his life is absolutely worth living and then he’d probably cry about it. Amazing.

Like most people, Andre was once married to Katie Price, Price is a behemoth in the world of autobiogs, she’s currently penning the sixth in her ‘me’ trilogy. She’d published the first five instalments before hitting the age of 35 and proved beyond doubt that you don’t necessarily need to have read a book to write six. Six bloody books?!?. Anyway, hers is a ridiculously examined life, mainly by her of course but that still counts. Far be it from me to disagree with Socrates but I disagree with Socrates, it was easy being all philosophical back then but this is 2014, shit’s more real now. At this juncture your typical student of philosophy will be scratching at a wispy beard and tutting, then she’ll be telling me I’ve missed the point. I probably have but I’m philosophical about it.

Other new books I’ve not read but are rubbish include offerings from Sir Anthony Worrall Thompson, Rio Ferdinand, Morph, Joey Essex, Kevin Pietersen, Ian Beale, Shnorbitz (ed: please check) and Roy Keane, all of which pack ‘explosive revelations’ or ‘contractual obligations’ as they’re also known.
Ferdinand’s tome ingeniously entitled ‘My Autobiography’ makes it clear from the get-go that he hasn’t written someone else’s autobiography, uh-uh, no, he’s written HIS autobiography, a refreshing spin on a tired format, I’m sure you’d agree. Although he didn’t actually write it himself of course, he’s not stupid, he paid someone even more not stupid than him to write it for him, they all do that y’know, that’s my shocking revelation.
Rio’s “sizzling” revelations were that John Terry is a bit racist and Ashley Cole is a knob. Who knew?. Roy Keane’s book ‘Mask Of Sanity’, his follow up to the best seller ‘Edge Of Reason’ is equally compelling (ed: check please), he describes how he once didn’t sign Robbie Savage because Savage is an arsehole. Imagine that if you can.
And speaking of Socrates, Joey Barton has recently aired his view that footballers who’ve achieved nothing in the game should not be writing books. No doubt he’ll include that in his book which is out next May. If you’re thinking that’s my best joke, it’s not, it’s true. Nothing funny is funnier than Joey Barton.

Kevin ‘KP’ Pietersen’s book is about other cricketers he doesn’t like and has caused shock waves in the world of people being interested in which cricketers don’t like which other cricketers. Moving on …
Ian Beale’s book ‘Bein’ Beale’ manages to be incredibly boring despite being choc full of tales of binge drinking, swingers’ sex parties, unspeakable violence, fisting and cocaine fuelled dogging benders (ed: check Ian Beale has written a book) (ed: remove these bracketed bits). Oh and I nearly forgot Harry Redknapp’s book, actually I did forget it, I can’t even remember if i read it, which means I probably did. Never mind.
Oh Christ, Russell Brand! … how could I forget Russell Brand? frankly how could anyone? he’s been on bloody everything from The Saturday Kitchen to John Craven’s Newsround furiously plugging his latest piece of merchandise whilst simultaneously raging against the capitalist model. Interesting angle. Frankly I’ve been far too busy wusy to read ‘My Revolutiony Wevolutiony’ but I did read the reviews. Apparently it’s just Karl Marx’ ‘Das Kapital’ with knob gags. Brand has also been widely accused of not having actually read the books he’s talking about. No comment on that.

A special mention at this point should go to young North West, the hilariously monikered offspring of Kanye West and her with the arse West, despite still technically being a ‘baby’, the promising infant has already drafted his first autobio, ‘North by North West’ is available exclusively at Mothercare and is actually far more readable than any of the aforementioned.

Well that concludes my book club, in short: if it’s ghost written, get someone to ghost read it for you (ed: check you didn’t steal that joke), or just don’t read it, or read a novel, even a crap one, speaking of which my book ‘The Devlin Side’ will be in all good book shops for Christmas and features a foreword from Ainsley Harriot, it’s the perfect Christmas gift for all ages at just £13.99. Ok, Join me next time for Wine Club, where I’ll be delving into the world of drinking wine in the world of wine. Chin chin.

If you’ve found these book reviews helpful, you can read some of my more ‘in depth’ material commissioned by the good people at Amazon here:


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