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Ho Ho No!

๐ŸŽผ “It’s Christmastime, and there’s no need to be afraid ๐ŸŽถ …” firstly, with all due respect to Paul Young, it isn’t. Christmastime starts on the 25th of December and ends with the Epiphany on the 6th of January. The epiphany is the day you realise you’re fat and unhealthy and resolve to do something about it. But don’t.

Anyway, just to reassure you “๐ŸŽถ There’s no need to be afraid ๐ŸŽถ” … unless of course you have Ebola, in which case you’re probably shitting yourself, both figuratively and literally but that’s not very Christmasy so we’ll gloss over Ebola for now.
*glosses over Ebola*…

Because: “๐ŸŽถ At Christmastime, we let in light and we banish shade ๐ŸŽถ” … again, it isn’t, furthermore the letting in of light and banishing of shade does sound a bit UKIPy, in fact even UKIP aren’t so keen on letting in the light ones anymore, never mind banishing the shades, not very festive eh? Don’t expect to find them at many parties. Unless it’s the Nazi party of course.

Pressing on then … “๐ŸŽถ And in our world of plenty ๐ŸŽถ” … at last a truth bomb from Boy George, it certainly is a world of plenty, especially if you’re Boy George but for the purposes of this experiment I’ll pretend that you’re not, in any case, even the poor can now get their hands on a slice of the “plenty” by fighting each other to the death for a cut price gogglebox.
Yes, our finest retail cathedrals of despair have declined the option of conducting their ‘Black Friday’ trade on-line because that’d be boring, they also ignored the recommendations of the police (not the band), who suggested perhaps giving people numbered tickets in an organised queuing system, but that was dismissed as too ‘low-key’. No, what they decided to do instead was invite the world’s media into their stores, arm their staff with semi-automatic assault rifles and simply fling the doors open to the baying mob to see what might happen.
That way anyone fortunate enough to survive the carnage and bag a bargain TV would be home in time to watch the ‘demonisation of the poorยฉ’ on the 6 o’ clock news in glorious high definition. Yay for Black Friday! … the greatest story ever sold. Cheap.

Etc, etc “๐ŸŽถ We can spread a smile of joy ๐ŸŽถ” … well, some of us can, anyone who witnessed Barry Manilow’s recent chat show appearances will know that he can’t. His face can’t smile at all, it also can’t sing, in fact it’s finding it hard to do anything. Cheers.
Now then … “๐ŸŽถ Throw your arms around the world this Christmastime ๐ŸŽถ” … I won’t be attempting that either as I’ll have a large sherry in one hand and a ‘Kerry Katona’s Festive Fishy Ring’ in the other. I’m pretty sure the world doesn’t want to be covered in the contents of Kerry Katona’s Festive Fishy Ring. Moving on …

“๐ŸŽถ But say a prayer (bom-didi-bom-didi-bom-didi-bom) to pray for the other one ๐ŸŽถ” … That’s Georgie Michaels there singing about Andrew Ridgeley if memory serves, Georgie was pretty toasted at the time though so who knows?. Never mind …
Because more importantly “๐ŸŽถ There’s a world outside your window ๐ŸŽถ” … stay there, I’ll have a look … just opening the curtains … nah, just a street really, it’s a pretty small street too, nonetheless … “๐ŸŽถ it’s a world of dread and fear ๐ŸŽถ” … as I live in North East London and only have one remaining window intact post Tottenham Riots I am at least inclined to agree with that bit.
Yada, yada, “๐ŸŽถ Where the only water flowing is the bitter Stingยฉ of tears ๐ŸŽถ”, as Stingยฉ will only sing lines on charity records that deploy the cunning double meaning of his ridiculous name I’m going to ignore this bit. Prick. You’ve got 13,000 olive farms and a fleet of helicopters mate, you go feed the world, arsehole. Sorry. Anyway … Blah, blah, blah, yada, yada, “๐ŸŽถ The clanging chimes of doom ๐ŸŽถ” … if you’re not familiar with The Clanging Chimes Of Doom, they were this year’s token goth band on X-crement Factory, or to give it its full title: ‘THE’ X-crement Factory. Now at least we are getting a little closer to the true meaning of Christmas.

“๐ŸŽถ Well, tonight thank God it’s them instead of you ๐ŸŽถ” (he means him) … cries a relieved Bono, ditto that though eh?, yeah, isn’t it great that other people are dying of starvation and ravenous diseases and not us? Thank God eh? Come on, let’s party! Woo-Hoo!!!. Whatever happened to Bono by the way? No time for that now because apparently … “๐ŸŽถ There won’t be snow in Africa this Christmastime (oh-no-no) ๐ŸŽถ” … Right, firstly, yes there fucking will, you’d think Midge Ure would know that having spent many a Winter on the ski slopes of Mount Kilimanjaro, and secondly, a continent blighted by a crippling drought might actually (if you really think about it) quite welcome a bit more snow, especially when it all melts “underneath that burning sun”, y’know, if you really think about it.
Apparently Midge Ure was so ashamed of his geophysical ignorance, he’s spent much of the past 30 years claiming that Phil Collins came up with that bit, well he is a drummer. Apparently when they all rocked up to the studio that day they knew it was Phil at the door trying to get in because he knocked three times and then came in late. (BOOM-TISH!)

Anyway … “๐ŸŽถ The greatest gift they’ll get this year is one of them dolls off of Frozen or an X-Box One Consul with ‘Assassin’s Creed Unity’ and ‘FIFA 15’๐ŸŽถ”, pretty sure that’s what they meant even if wasn’t explicitly expressed in the lyric.
“๐ŸŽถ Where nothing ever grows, no rain or rivers flow ๐ŸŽถ” … again this has got Collins’ fingerprints (though curiously no thumbprints) all over it as even in 1984 there were over 30,000 rivers in Africa, the majority of which did in fact flow. It also rains.
Yada, yada, yada, “๐ŸŽถ Do they know it’s Christmastime at all? ๐ŸŽถ” … no, because they’re probably pointing out that isn’t Christmastime until the 25th of December, and even if it was Christmastime, they’d probably know that too, they’re hungry, not fucking stupid.
So there you have it, the true meaning of Christmas, patronising and factual inaccuracies all wrapped up in glib romanticism, a bit like the birth of Christ itself, y’know? if you really think about it. Ho-Ho-Ho.


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