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THE IDIOT STRIPE MURDER MYSTERY

It was late, the snow laid thick on the ground and a mist hung over the city like a blanket on a cage. A bewildered man trudged aimlessly through a dimly lit street bleeding heavily from one leg, he muttered and spat, he then stopped and appeared to issue instructions to an imaginary dog before sinking to his knees and in a final desperate act, he cried out, who knows what demons plagued him in that final moment before he slumped forward and yielded to the oncoming traffic, he never knew what hit him. (It was a bus).

Four hours earlier … * harp music* … 🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶 ….

Here’s a funny thing, the other day I was watching the Darts, y’know because it was Christmas, so I was having a little whiskey, y’know because it was the Grand Final, and the big drunk fella with the tattoos was playing the big drunk fella with the tattoos and the glasses and it was bloody gripping. They were both undeniably brilliant at Darts. @Jean_9 agreed with me, her message “#LoveTheDarts – Amazing darts tonight, best final ever!!!” gently scrolled across the bottom of the screen to confirm what I’d hitherto suspected. Then @FittyFee5 boasted about actually being at the Darts by adding “#LoveTheDarts – can u c me on the box? lol”, at least @GrahamD77 had some thoughts on the actual game: “#LoveTheDarts – If da big guy turns dis round, wud b the best arrows evs”.

Solid Darts banter gently floating harmlessly just below the actual Darts action. Great. But then this from @ScaryMary: “#LoveTheDarts … but luv u more Terry. Marry me! x”. I’ll be honest I’d kind of lost track of the game at this point, moments later @Trish_074 got involved: “#LoveTheDarts – come on terry, r u gonna marry her? lol”. Then a lot of stuff about Darts or something scrolled by but tellingly, nothing from Terry. “Come on Terry, there’s an incomplete subtext here mate, don’t leave us hanging” I tweeted in. It didn’t make the cut. Sad face.
Anyway, the messages continued to scroll as I continued to gawp, I think the game had finished some hours ago, apparently the big guy won. Who cares?. Still nothing from Terry and the messages were increasingly more about Darts so I got bored and turned over.

The News was on and it had been snowing, so the News guy was saying “hey, it’s snowing” and then the lady News guy was saying “that’s right, it’s snowing, send us your pictures of snow, so we can show pictures of snow, get in touch if you’ve ever seen snow”, and gently and harmlessly scrolling across bottom of the screen was information such as this from @Gen81: “#snow It’s SNOWING!!!” along with other contributions of a similar ilk and of course, pictures of snow. It was all strangely hypnotic, a bit too hypnotic in fact so I turned over.

Downton. Excellent I thought. I’m in safe hands here, I thought. TV like they used to make it, I thought. Not according to @KevD_159 though, who’s opinion was gently and harmlessly, if in this context perhaps slightly inappropriately scrolling across the bottom of the screen. “#TweetDownton – tryin 2 hard 2 make it all fukin modern”, @BigBaz6 added: “#TweetDownton – Lady Mary is my bae, but WTF she playin at?”. I wish I knew, I’d for some reason inexplicably lost the plot, both plots, Downton’s and mine. The whiskey was flowing nicely though so I turned over to Film 4 to catch Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind, mercifully Film 4 don’t have an idiot stripe floating across the bottom of their screen, no, theirs is floating across the top of the screen, it’s much artier. Incidentally @Ginger_Jeff thought the movie was “existential bollox”. Amen to that.

That ancient Chinese proverb that dictates “opinions are like arseholes, everybody’s got one” neglects to add “and most of them are full of shit”, so I have. Had. Have. Whatever. I had / have consumed almost an entire bottle of whiskey by that / this point and people’s bloody opinions had completely ruined my cracking night of Christmas telly, I’m ashamed to say that such was my frustration I put my foot straight through the screen of our brand new Black Friday television, badly gashed my leg in doing so but on the upside I was completely drunk!. Then she started: “are you mad?”, she screamed at me. “I don’t know, let’s ask the public” I screamed back, “tell you what, hashtag it ‘RUmad?’, inbox me and I’ll read out the best ones when I’m back from walking the dog”. “We haven’t got a dog” she countered. More bloody opinions. Anyway, it was my opinion that we did have a dog and I stormed out of the house with him / her. Well, fell out. Smashed the whiskey bottle too. Don’t worry, Rex was fine.

Anyway, my street has now got one of those little red neon stripes floating by at approximately knee level, you’ve probably seen them, just so people can share their thoughts as you go about your business. @Carlo_Fukz reckoned: “#RUmad? – OMG! adam dont even hav a dog lol” and @Kazzz45 who was more upbeat, added: “#RUmad? – gr8 to c Adam havin a L8 nite walk”.

I honestly don’t know what happened after that.

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