In case you don’t know, Labour lost the election, or to give it its full title: ‘The Conservatives swept to power©’. That’s right, the Conservatives swept all before them when roughly one in four people voted for them, but hey, that’s democracy!. Cheers Greece, cheers for tragedies too, feel free to send us any more of your crap ideas, no wonder you’re going bust, trigonometry went out in the ’70s and John Travolta is a major arsehole. Apologies for the lazy stereotypes, we shouldn’t pick on the Greeks, they’ve got enough on their plates, if they’ve got any plates left!!!. Sorry, I’m done.
I digress. Anyway Labour lost the election, they lost it because they didn’t have a song. I don’t mean they didn’t have a chance of winning (although that’s a debatable point), I mean they didn’t have a signature anthem. Not since D:REAM songsmith Brian Cox took out an injunction forbidding the Labour Party from using his piece of shit song have the Labour Party ever laid claim to their own rousing theme tune.
N.B. Please do not confuse ’90s musical ponce Brian Cox with Professor Brian Cox, the star nut, or the actor Brian Cox, him who’s in all the films, or indeed Huddersfield Town’s 1920s midfield general, Brian Cox. They’re different people.
I digress. The Welsh mob had their own anthem, Catatonia’s ‘International Velvet’ featuring the line “everyday I wake up I thank the Lord that I’m Welsh”, yeah, that one. The SNP went similarly route one with The Proclaimers. The Greens (unofficially) had some dirge by The Levellers. I’m not making this up you know. Much as I’d like to be Richard Littlejohn I’m not, honestly I’m not. These are facts. The Greens wanted to use a song by Chumbawumba, I forget which one, where do you start?, but the Chumbs said “No”.
The Lib Dems apparently used ‘library music’, so at least they got one man back in to work, specifically that ponytailed guy who no doubt benefited from zero tuition fees and carved out a lucrative career knocking out wallpaper music for Ceefax back in the day. Did the Greeks invent irony too?
Moving on, almost best of all is UKIP. they had no music at all played on their battle bus or at any of their pre election conferences because, and you might want to sit down for this bit … because … according to their press office … “UKIP is a serious party, music is not important.”
Those two statements again just in case you didn’t fully digest them the first time: “UKIP is a serious party” and “music is not important”.
At least the Tories understand that you can’t have a party without music, so they pinned their blue rosettes to ‘All These Things That I’ve Done’ by The Killers, mainly because David Cameron was told to say he likes that song, in much the same way that he was told to say that he likes Aston Villa, or whoever it is he supports, it’s so hard these days to differentiate between the team you’ve followed all your life and shed tears for and another team two hundred miles away who play in vaguely similar colours, don’t you find? especially in moments of stress. We’ve all been there.
Cameron also included that self same crap song in his now infamous ‘Desert Island Discs’ selection. Apparently he likes the lyrics. “I’ve got a mole but I’m not a molester” or something like that. He doesn’t of course, he’s been given a list of ‘edgy’ songs by some young Conservatives and been told to pretend he likes them. He’s also been told he likes Radiohead, early R.E.M. and The Smiths. Poor Jonny Marr was so distraught he nearly quit show business. Anyway, that’s your new prime minister, a man who will tell you exactly what he likes just as soon as it’s been workshopped by some teenagers and he’s been fully briefed. Good luck everyone.
Let’s celebrate by listening to David Cameron’s favourite song: http://youtu.be/jP52cgknJUU