A SORRY BLOG
First unfortunately I must issue an apology, actually before my apology let’s deal with Ashley Cole’s apology, Britain’s favourite footy player has had to issue an “unreserved” apology for calling the FA “twats” on his twitter thingy. He called them “twats” because he felt they questioned his character … Cole had been appearing as a character witness for teammate John Terry (Jesus, what are your chances when your character witness is Ashley Cole?!?). while we’re here let’s deal with JT’s apology, well it was a sort of apology issued with the caveat that he didn’t actually do anything and if he did he didn’t mean it. JT has been fighting to clear his name of being a racist, indeed he hung up his burning cross and retired from international racism days earlier to add weight to his defence (which is leakier than Norwich City’s).
Ok my apology … actually to keep it topical lets do KP’s apology first, KP (AKA Kevin Pietersen) is England’s least English but conveniently most talented cricketer, his apology was “full and frank” (though not “unreserved”) for disrespecting his teammates on Facebook or summink. KP is now being “reintegrated into the team structure”
Clearly there is a theme developing, i.e. allowing sportsmen access to social media is like giving machine guns to toddlers.
Another apology to get out of the way is that of Conservative government whip Andrew Mitchell who was prevented from riding his bicycle through Downing Street’s main gates by pedantic police officers (At last, a scandal involving a gate so we can finally get to say “gate-gate” … good news for Bill Gates, who’s currently bumming Gareth Gates). The Met officers in question went on to prove in a court of law that they weren’t “plebs” on the grounds that they knew what the word “plebs” meant.
Ok if everybody’s done apologising now it’s my turn, oh no hang on a sec … What about Hillsborogh? I hear you ask … Ok let’s briefly do Hillsborogh if that’s possible, a veritable orgy of contrition headed up by PM Cameron who apologised “deeply and sincerely”, Boris Johnson, Nick Clegg, John Inverdale, they were queuing up around the block to withdraw there previous assertions that all scousers are thieving murderous pond life.
The notable absentee was kelvin MacKenzie, he’s the revolting man whose revolting red-top printed that revolting pack of lies about the Hillsborough tragedy, which he defended vehemently right up to the point at which an exhaustive public enquiry scientifically proved his revolting pack of lies was exactly that. At which point (brace yourselves) …. MacKenzie demanded an apology of his own (see what he’s done? … clevaaah) He wants an apology from all the people (THE POLICE) that lied to him (THE POLICE) and literally forced him at gunpoint (THE POLICE) to print a mutually agreed upon tissue of whoppers. Poor Kelvin, the 97th victim of Hillsborogh, who knew? In an absurd way I almost admire him …. actually scratch that. Had a rethink. He’s a c*nt.
Right, my apology … can’t even remember what it was now so apologies for that at least, I do remember it was full and frank and unreserved and all those other words Tiger Woods had copyrighted in his vernacular of remorseful adjectives. Seriously, if you want to see the gold-standard for apologies check out all 15 minutes of Woods’ sorry fest on YouTube, it’s got production values Downton would die for, mood music, live audience, his family in floods of tears, his corporate sponsors gritting their teeth, lighting, make-up, hot dogs, fireworks, the lot … all this so Tiger could tell the children of America that f**king every waitress in Florida is nothing to be proud of.
Surprising then that Woods performed so poorly in the foursomes at last weekend’s Ryder Cup.
To conclude just type the word ‘apology’ into YouTube and scroll through the pages upon pages. Cameron apologising to pretty much everyone, Clegg to students, Grant to Hurley, Chris Brown, Christian Bale, Kramer, Gazza, Google, Enron, ministers, judges, Jonnathon Ross & Russell Brand apologising to some Spanish waiter, Paul Weller apologising for his latest haircut, George Lucas for the last 30 years of his career, it goes on.
The highlight is undoubtedly Charlie Sheen’s efforts to redeem himself, he genuinely has no idea what he’s supposed to be sorry for and frankly neither have I. His apology to Ashton Kutcher begins with the line: “Dear Ashton, I’m sorry I said you sucked, I was disrespectful to a man trying his best” genius! Here’s a man who makes it clear that whilst regretting what he’s said, he stands by every word of it.
Some people defend these cry babies, claiming its good to ‘fess up” and repent one’s sins, but they’re just apologists, apologists to the apologists, if I align myself with them what does that make me? an apologist for the apologists to the apologists. Sorry but no thanks.
END OF .
… seems to be the hardest word, says a man who’s clearly never been to Llanfairpwllgywngyll
Here’s a proper sorry bunch …
Here’s Nick Clegg, I think this is his apology for doing a U-turn on his ‘no more U-turns’ policy …
Here’s the king, Tiger Woods. Among the long list of parties apologized to were: his wife, his mother, Nike, the children of the world, EA sports, Noel Edmonds, Jesus and Slovenia.
and finally this man … “I live in a big house filled with hookers, cocaine and money, yeah I’m really fuckin’ sorry”.