Hurrah it’s the Winter Olympics! You probably don’t know much about The Winter Olympics, I definitely don’t but great journalism is not about what you know, it’s about what you’re prepared to painstakingly research, that’s why I’m not a great journalist either. What we do know is that this is the ‘other’ Olympics, not like OUR one, the really GOOD one, this is the shit one with the minority sports played up mountains in the freezing cold. This one is somewhere or other in Russia and cost 50 gazillion big ones to stage, the Russians have built mountains, imported snow, washed the sky, painted the black people and enforced a ring of steel to keep the terrorists out and the gays away from the children …. and probably some other stuff true to the values of the Olympic movement.
Speaking of movement, the face of this Olympics is King Vladimir Putin, even though his face has been so Botox-ed to buggery it’s incapable of any movement whatsoever, making him also a brilliant ventriloquist in his spare time. Putin is desperate to show the world he can blow more cash on a sports day than any madman before him and imbue his games with all the warmth and inclusiveness that his homeland is famed for … oh and for it to not get blown up, that part he considers “key” to the success of the games. So far so good then …
On the sporting front, competitors largely from countries that are bleak frozen wastelands like Scotland are competing in events such as: Skiing, Skiing Backwards, Skiing Asleep, Skiing On Skates, Skating On Skis, Falling Off A Mountain, Hurtling, Bobbing, Slodging, Chasing A Wheel Of Edam With A Broomstick and Gas The Badger, there are others but frankly they’re too ridiculous to mention.
I don’t really know who any of the ‘big stars’ are but fortunately for me neither do you, no-one does, it seems odd that the only people we remember from previous games are the ones that were really really shit, like our own Eddie ‘the eagle’ Edwards, who wasn’t actually that bad when you take into consideration his chronic asthma and the fact that he’d never actually skied before. Then there’s the comedy Jamaicans on their tea tray (hilarious) and remember the American figure skater who was so shit she had to break her opponents’ legs with a hammer to have a sniff of a medal? Turned out though that that particular strategy was against the rules. They are sticklers for rules.
Pain and grizzly injuries are a big part of The Winter Olympics and are the main reason that I and many others watch it, earlier this week I saw a Canadian lady’s knee go straight through her chin as she reacquainted herself with terra firma from a great height, I always think the way that blood seeps into the snow is such a powerful motif for these forms of lunacy, by the close of play there was so much blood on the ground the spectators had harnessed it into a hugely impressive sketch of the Olympic Rings, it was actually rather moving. The problem seems to be that many events are simply about plummeting from the top to the bottom as quickly as possible (think Michael Barrymore’s career). Before the Bobsled you could hear the coach issuing his instructions to the team – “right lads, just go down, keep going down, if at any point you find yourselves going up, something’s gone wrong, good luck!”.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I want people to get hurt, it’s just that if they do get hurt I’d like to see it, you see there’s a distinction there. If a man is prepared to nail himself to two planks of wood and throw himself of a mountain, I want it beamed into my living room whatever the outcome, they know the risks, they’re not out there doing this stuff with a gun to their heads (apart from the North Koreans). It’s gnarly and rad and they love it.
So there you have it, that’s everything you need to know about The Winter Olympics, I don’t know who’s winning, no-one does, Team GB is predictably nowhere on the medal table so that’s boring, plus Loose Women comes on at lunchtime so that’s me defected to ITV1’s brilliant daytime schedule for the rest of the afternoon. Sorry I can’t furnish you with actual ‘information’ or any ‘accurate facts and figures’, you can find stuff like that on the BBC website. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to throw myself off the balcony into a skip. Gnarly man! Toodles x
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